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Christian Faith God God Healing health History Independence Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing Uncategorized

Swallowing the pills of the past…

God reprimanded me like only He can about he content I’ve shared on here. For something entitled “memoirs of Keisha” there was very little insight into my history so here goes!

A great deal of my childhood is blurred, based on my subconscious coping method of forgetting what hurt.

During my healing process, God forced me to face some truths. 

  1. My self loathing didn’t begin with the habitual cheating of my first real boyfriend.
  2. Despite my ability to help others, I was drowning in depression since childhood.
  3. I had no idea who I was and I spent my life allowing everyone else to tell me who I ought to be. 

So, here goes nothing. When I was 11, I hated everything around me. I was briefly separated from my mother and felt abandoned, I was sad but instead of talking I decided I would forget once and for all. My adolescence included great battles with suicide and failed attempts that made me feel like… You guessed it, a failure! I mean, I couldn’t even die right.

The world I pictured without me was better off. I would do everyone a favor and just disappear. I began self medicating, I stole my uncle’s pain medication and took a few – it left me in a daze for days (that rhymed) – but someone noticed. My aunt called me in and asked about the pills, my world crumbled, not only did I fail at dying – I had to now share the embarrassment with my aunt who was aware of my shortcomings.

I was sad, I had hurt I couldn’t explain so I pretended it didn’t exist. But – I couldn’t be sad, they would be disappointed… 

I wanted love, I just didn’t know where to find it, I didn’t know what it looked like.

Photo credit: rebloggy.com

To be continued… 

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Christian Faith Fashion Healing health History Independence Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing Uncategorized

Frightening fantasy…

My fantasies have taken a frightful turn. They’re not even about me anymore. 

My utmost desire is to witness the healing power of God move. My immense and passionate hope is that the power of God be revealed in its fullness and that I am both a witness and a channel of His glory. 

It’s frightful to think that this miraculous and all powerful God considers a wretch like me in His plans… 

But it’s beautifully frightening, like the thrill of being on a swing set and going just a little higher than you anticipated and feeling the little tingle.

Whatever God has created me to be, that I am for His pleasure. 

Live a little, love a lot, be a blessing! 

– ShaKeisha M –