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Pt. 2 – Swallowing the pills of the past… 

It was a bitter pill to swallow, the inward denial and subsequent suppression of my true feelings numbed me completely. I was not only numbed from feeling pain, but from experiencing anything that was deemed unsafe – that included receiving love that in my adolescent estimation; I did not deserve. 

After there was nowhere to hide that I was self medicating the pain, life would soon hand me an even bigger pill to swallow – one that lent a bitter backstory of its own. This pill would be equipped with a villian that was simultaneously a savior in my eyes; and a hero that for years – had been the villian of my imagination. 

Pills and potions, the opened up a door I soon learned; would leave me addicted to the high of a soul made numb for years to come.

You’ll see what happens next in part 3…. 

Photo credit:123rf.com

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Swallowing the pills of the past…

God reprimanded me like only He can about he content I’ve shared on here. For something entitled “memoirs of Keisha” there was very little insight into my history so here goes!

A great deal of my childhood is blurred, based on my subconscious coping method of forgetting what hurt.

During my healing process, God forced me to face some truths. 

  1. My self loathing didn’t begin with the habitual cheating of my first real boyfriend.
  2. Despite my ability to help others, I was drowning in depression since childhood.
  3. I had no idea who I was and I spent my life allowing everyone else to tell me who I ought to be. 

So, here goes nothing. When I was 11, I hated everything around me. I was briefly separated from my mother and felt abandoned, I was sad but instead of talking I decided I would forget once and for all. My adolescence included great battles with suicide and failed attempts that made me feel like… You guessed it, a failure! I mean, I couldn’t even die right.

The world I pictured without me was better off. I would do everyone a favor and just disappear. I began self medicating, I stole my uncle’s pain medication and took a few – it left me in a daze for days (that rhymed) – but someone noticed. My aunt called me in and asked about the pills, my world crumbled, not only did I fail at dying – I had to now share the embarrassment with my aunt who was aware of my shortcomings.

I was sad, I had hurt I couldn’t explain so I pretended it didn’t exist. But – I couldn’t be sad, they would be disappointed… 

I wanted love, I just didn’t know where to find it, I didn’t know what it looked like.

Photo credit: rebloggy.com

To be continued… 

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Christian Faith Fashion Healing health History Independence Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing Uncategorized

Frightening fantasy…

My fantasies have taken a frightful turn. They’re not even about me anymore. 

My utmost desire is to witness the healing power of God move. My immense and passionate hope is that the power of God be revealed in its fullness and that I am both a witness and a channel of His glory. 

It’s frightful to think that this miraculous and all powerful God considers a wretch like me in His plans… 

But it’s beautifully frightening, like the thrill of being on a swing set and going just a little higher than you anticipated and feeling the little tingle.

Whatever God has created me to be, that I am for His pleasure. 

Live a little, love a lot, be a blessing! 

– ShaKeisha M – 

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Christian Faith Fashion Healing History Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing

You don’t have to pretend life doesn’t hurt…

I read these words on page 32 of “Dear Mary” written by Sarah Jakes and I closed the book.No, there’s no fancy wordplay, no great deep meaning behind it. The transparency and simplicity of that statement, brought me to a place I had been before and desperately needed to tap into once again.

Sometimes life sucks.

Some days are bad, others are good, and we even have a few extraordinary ones but we cannot continue to pretend that the bad ones do not exist.

Heartache, hurt, lack and worry all plague us at some point. I am in no way condoning sulking – it’s just really annoying. What I am an advocate of is C.L.E.A.R. Take time to (CLEAR) and process. Here’s what it means:

Commit to understanding the root of what you’re feeling.

Learn yourself in a new way by exploring your reactions and feelings toward certain situations.

Earn the right in your own mind to be as forgiving to yourself as you are to others.

Assess the situation in prayer by committing your now clear feelings to Him.

Release every negative emotion and use this instance as a learning experience for future reference. (you may need to write it down)

After you’ve done all you can, which includes serious and specific prayer time.. then rest. We often misunderstand the active benefits in resting in God, it sends the message to Him that we trust Him even when life hurts and doesn’t make sense to us – we know it all works together for our good.

Wherever you are, whatever you are going through just remember you don’t have to pretend life does’t hurt! Take your time to get clear and watch God turn things around just for you! He loves you that much!

You can order the book “Dear Mary” from Amazon, just CLICK HERE!

Live a little, Love a lot, Be a blessing! 

ShaKeisha M. 

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Christian Design Faith Fashion Healing History Independence Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing Uncategorized

Nassau Adventures…

About two weeks ago, I picked up a friend and in the random nature that is Keisha… I decided we would stop at random places and take pictures…. So, here goes!

 Photo 1 – the bus stop that couldn’t contain my hair. 

 

Photo 2 – Wok N Roll, the red writing matched my shirt so…    

Photo 3 – Did I mention my daughter was on on our fiasco??? She loved it! 

 
Photo 4 – #Notetoself Pretend hitch hiking can get you real kidnapped. 

   
Photo 5 – I have friends that try to walk up the slide instead of “sliding” … Go figure 

 
Photo 6 – Wheeeeeeee #ThatIsAll

   
Photo 7 – Monkeying around with my favorite girl. 

 
Photo 8 – Enjoying this gorgeous sunset with my gorgeous sister in Christ 

   
Photo 9 – My daughter could have written anything but she wrote “I love God” and what a proud mama I am! 

 
Life is what you make it! Where there’s no adventure and excitement -create something! 

Live a little, love a lot, be spontaneous! 

– ShaKeisha M.