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Pt. 2 – Swallowing the pills of the past… 

It was a bitter pill to swallow, the inward denial and subsequent suppression of my true feelings numbed me completely. I was not only numbed from feeling pain, but from experiencing anything that was deemed unsafe – that included receiving love that in my adolescent estimation; I did not deserve. 

After there was nowhere to hide that I was self medicating the pain, life would soon hand me an even bigger pill to swallow – one that lent a bitter backstory of its own. This pill would be equipped with a villian that was simultaneously a savior in my eyes; and a hero that for years – had been the villian of my imagination. 

Pills and potions, the opened up a door I soon learned; would leave me addicted to the high of a soul made numb for years to come.

You’ll see what happens next in part 3…. 

Photo credit:123rf.com

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Swallowing the pills of the past…

God reprimanded me like only He can about he content I’ve shared on here. For something entitled “memoirs of Keisha” there was very little insight into my history so here goes!

A great deal of my childhood is blurred, based on my subconscious coping method of forgetting what hurt.

During my healing process, God forced me to face some truths. 

  1. My self loathing didn’t begin with the habitual cheating of my first real boyfriend.
  2. Despite my ability to help others, I was drowning in depression since childhood.
  3. I had no idea who I was and I spent my life allowing everyone else to tell me who I ought to be. 

So, here goes nothing. When I was 11, I hated everything around me. I was briefly separated from my mother and felt abandoned, I was sad but instead of talking I decided I would forget once and for all. My adolescence included great battles with suicide and failed attempts that made me feel like… You guessed it, a failure! I mean, I couldn’t even die right.

The world I pictured without me was better off. I would do everyone a favor and just disappear. I began self medicating, I stole my uncle’s pain medication and took a few – it left me in a daze for days (that rhymed) – but someone noticed. My aunt called me in and asked about the pills, my world crumbled, not only did I fail at dying – I had to now share the embarrassment with my aunt who was aware of my shortcomings.

I was sad, I had hurt I couldn’t explain so I pretended it didn’t exist. But – I couldn’t be sad, they would be disappointed… 

I wanted love, I just didn’t know where to find it, I didn’t know what it looked like.

Photo credit: rebloggy.com

To be continued… 

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Christian Faith Fashion Healing health History Independence Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing Uncategorized

Frightening fantasy…

My fantasies have taken a frightful turn. They’re not even about me anymore. 

My utmost desire is to witness the healing power of God move. My immense and passionate hope is that the power of God be revealed in its fullness and that I am both a witness and a channel of His glory. 

It’s frightful to think that this miraculous and all powerful God considers a wretch like me in His plans… 

But it’s beautifully frightening, like the thrill of being on a swing set and going just a little higher than you anticipated and feeling the little tingle.

Whatever God has created me to be, that I am for His pleasure. 

Live a little, love a lot, be a blessing! 

– ShaKeisha M – 

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Don’t call him my stepdad….

Many complications have risen from me saying “my daddy” and having to specify… But I could never get behind calling the man who raised me and loved me and sacrificed for me – my stepdad. 

Yes, some say a step dad steps in but mine didn’t. He came running to my rescue, running to love me and to bring me flinstones vitamins and McDonald’s. He came running to stick around for me when things got rough. He came running to be my hero, before I ever recognized him as such. He came running when I was in trouble and my mother was ready to shut things down. He came running because I was his princess, to him – I’m too smart to make mistakes. In his eyes I’m too good of a girl to do anything wrong.:. And though his perception is one I have seldom lived up to, I now see how valuable he is. 

He loved me so well, nobody ever questioned whether he was my real dad. He loves me, to this day with everything he has and I never feel like my thank you is enough. I don’t feel like my “I love you daddy” adequately states what my soul really means when I say it.

Thank you for accepting me.

Thank you for choosing to love me.

Thank you for making sacrifices for me, those I know about and those I don’t. 

Thanks for being there whether I had a lizard that scared me or a little girl growing in my belly that did. 

Thank you; not for stepping in but for running to my rescue. 

Thank you for being my hero.

I love you daddy! 

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Christian Design Faith Fashion Healing History Independence Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing Uncategorized

Nassau Adventures…

About two weeks ago, I picked up a friend and in the random nature that is Keisha… I decided we would stop at random places and take pictures…. So, here goes!

 Photo 1 – the bus stop that couldn’t contain my hair. 

 

Photo 2 – Wok N Roll, the red writing matched my shirt so…    

Photo 3 – Did I mention my daughter was on on our fiasco??? She loved it! 

 
Photo 4 – #Notetoself Pretend hitch hiking can get you real kidnapped. 

   
Photo 5 – I have friends that try to walk up the slide instead of “sliding” … Go figure 

 
Photo 6 – Wheeeeeeee #ThatIsAll

   
Photo 7 – Monkeying around with my favorite girl. 

 
Photo 8 – Enjoying this gorgeous sunset with my gorgeous sister in Christ 

   
Photo 9 – My daughter could have written anything but she wrote “I love God” and what a proud mama I am! 

 
Life is what you make it! Where there’s no adventure and excitement -create something! 

Live a little, love a lot, be spontaneous! 

– ShaKeisha M.

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Christian Faith Healing Independence Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing

Fallen crown… 👑 

Many beautiful love stories and fables begin with “once upon a time” and then there’s some climax and triumph of love that leads to the inevitable and oh so misleading “happily ever after”. 

Forget romance, forget the knight in shining armor. Jesus already saved you, you don’t need a husband or boyfriend for that!

This is the story of the fallen crown: 

One day, a princess was born. The circumstances surrounding her birth are irrelevant. She grew up, good things happened and bad things happened. They changed her so much that she forgot she was a princess. She lost her crown, and with it, the memory of who she truly was. 

The end. 

But it doesn’t have to be. 

The king of kings has written a 66 book decree that establishes you as royalty.

 Your inheritance is everlasting residence in the kingdom of heaven.

 You have been redeemed and a declaration of your rightful position has been declared among the nations by the voice of the prophets. 

Your fallen crown has been retrieved and awaits you in the land flowing with milk and honey. 

He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning!

“The LORD will hold you in his hand for all to see— a splendid crown in the hand of God.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭62:3‬ 

You are a queen, nothing can or has disqualified you. Your crown just fell, ask  God to open your eyes – you’ll see He’s been holding it this whole time!