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Faith God God Inspiration Personal Experiences

When the lights go out…

It’s nighttime, the kids are in bed; Hubby’s asleep but will probably say he was resting his eyes once he wakes up. You’re all alone, just you and Jesus.

Who are you now?

I ask myself this periodically, to see if I’m still aware of me. Lately, I recognized that I’ve simply been reacting to the world around me for some time. Instead of asking Holy Spirit what He wants me to do with my days, I’ve been fumbling around and taking him for the ride. He’s been a passenger in the relationship He should’ve been piloting.

I ask myself again, in this moment; who are you Keisha?

Are you living up to your life’s mission of changing the world one heart at a time or have you been changed by your circumstances? Have you been a thermostat or a thermometer?

If I’m being honest, I forgot to be who I am. It’s an easy thing to do when the busyness of life sets in and you’re caught up being who they need. It may not be a husband and kids for you, it may be your boss at work, ministry life or even your parents. But… whatever you’re busy doing, make time to be you.

Fulfilling your reason for being has to be your utmost priority. No amount of accomplishment outside of God’s divine purpose will suffice.

When the lights go out, who are you?

Goodnight.

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Faith God Inspiration Uncategorized

You don’t get to be ordinary… 

I got tired of praying and fasting. It felt like it didn’t make sense, like nothing was changing, and I found myself slacking off. Each time, a situation arose and it was necessary for me to intercede on someone’s behalf. Funny right?

I bargained with God because I just wanted to chill, to not have to carry the burden I knew was rightfully mine. The very same burden I said YES to before, the same greater level I cried out for. It’s here now and I got lazy. Holy Spirit said one thing to me “You don’t get to be ordinary“. 

God wants a renewed yes and it requires a new sacrifice. I’ve decided that there’s no going back for me. 

I wish that meant I wouldn’t get distracted, I wish my heart was always where it should be but there are moments God has to pull in the reigns on His delinquent daughter. 

Before Yeshuah, before He revealed purpose in my life – I was empty. I was lost and felt useless. Living for Christ may sometimes feel like a daunting task. 

Then I’m reminded ….

“You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you.”

‭‭John‬ ‭15:16‬ ‭NASB

None of this is about me. 

I am purposed beyond feelings and destined beyond my current destination. My tantrums to feel comfortable are hindering my birthright to be extraordinary. Just keep going

It’s time. Be who God has called you to be, the world is waiting and honey “You don’t get to be ordinary”. 

Live a little, love a lot, be a blessing! 

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Christian Faith God God Healing Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing

The purge…

I wish I didn’t have to write this. I wish I could present scars to the world instead of the open, gushing wounds that I have to offer. I wish that being someone who God has called to help people heal didn’t mean I have to feel the immense pain I encounter.

It’s as if my soul screamed for 18 year old Keisha. It’s as if she were in that room again, that room where she felt dirty and confused. She was in that room alone, alone aside from the one person who decided to soil the one treasure she had left. Driving home I screamed, in a voice I didn’t recognize and from a place I had only previously visited once. Images that I convinced myself were a figment of my imagination flashed as true as 9 years ago when it happened.

But, they didn’t know. Nobody knew. I silenced my sobs so that my pain would not offend, I muffled the sound of my anguish so that it wouldn’t bother anyone and I moved forward. I’ve been healing in layers, and the deeper it goes… the more I feel depleted. There is an indescribable anguish that I felt that day, that day I can barely remember but can never forget. Tonight God told me, they didn’t understand. He didn’t know that he had taken something I fought to keep. This body, this special part of me was all I thought I had left, it was all that made me special. Only now, it wasn’t special. It was worthless. I was worthless. Her, she didn’t know either. She didn’t know that taking him back after would be like puncturing the flesh of a cadaver. The pain wasn’t there, but the damage was.

I wanted to forgive, but what was stopping me? The truth. I didn’t feel they needed to pay, I didn’t truly hate them. It just hurt. All of it just hurt. It hurt more than I know how to process, so I screamed tonight. I screamed for 18 year old Keisha who just wanted to know why. I screamed for the hurt I suppressed so I didn’t bother anybody. I screamed because it was all I could do. I screamed because even though I told God I don’t want to feel it, I don’t want to face it – I had to.

So, no I don’t have scars to show. I have wounds because as God reminded me tonight, I just don’t have the liberty of healing in private. Whoever I wrote this for, whoever this particular truth will set free – I love you.I pray that God will bring you to the point of anguish and desperation where your pain is unbearable. It’s unbearable because He bears it for you. He doesn’t want us to hide our pain, to pretend it doesn’t hurt or to try fix ourselves. He wants us to give it to Him. Tonight I forgive them, I forgive me and I ask you Father, “forgive them for they know not what they do”.

Live a little, love a lot, forgiveness is a blessing.

 

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Christian Clothing Design Faith God Healing History Independence Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing

Pt. 2 – Swallowing the pills of the past… 

It was a bitter pill to swallow, the inward denial and subsequent suppression of my true feelings numbed me completely. I was not only numbed from feeling pain, but from experiencing anything that was deemed unsafe – that included receiving love that in my adolescent estimation; I did not deserve. 

After there was nowhere to hide that I was self medicating the pain, life would soon hand me an even bigger pill to swallow – one that lent a bitter backstory of its own. This pill would be equipped with a villian that was simultaneously a savior in my eyes; and a hero that for years – had been the villian of my imagination. 

Pills and potions, the opened up a door I soon learned; would leave me addicted to the high of a soul made numb for years to come.

You’ll see what happens next in part 3…. 

Photo credit:123rf.com

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Christian Faith God God Healing health History Independence Inspiration Personal Experiences Relationships Spiritual healing Uncategorized

Swallowing the pills of the past…

God reprimanded me like only He can about he content I’ve shared on here. For something entitled “memoirs of Keisha” there was very little insight into my history so here goes!

A great deal of my childhood is blurred, based on my subconscious coping method of forgetting what hurt.

During my healing process, God forced me to face some truths. 

  1. My self loathing didn’t begin with the habitual cheating of my first real boyfriend.
  2. Despite my ability to help others, I was drowning in depression since childhood.
  3. I had no idea who I was and I spent my life allowing everyone else to tell me who I ought to be. 

So, here goes nothing. When I was 11, I hated everything around me. I was briefly separated from my mother and felt abandoned, I was sad but instead of talking I decided I would forget once and for all. My adolescence included great battles with suicide and failed attempts that made me feel like… You guessed it, a failure! I mean, I couldn’t even die right.

The world I pictured without me was better off. I would do everyone a favor and just disappear. I began self medicating, I stole my uncle’s pain medication and took a few – it left me in a daze for days (that rhymed) – but someone noticed. My aunt called me in and asked about the pills, my world crumbled, not only did I fail at dying – I had to now share the embarrassment with my aunt who was aware of my shortcomings.

I was sad, I had hurt I couldn’t explain so I pretended it didn’t exist. But – I couldn’t be sad, they would be disappointed… 

I wanted love, I just didn’t know where to find it, I didn’t know what it looked like.

Photo credit: rebloggy.com

To be continued…