This weekend, I cried until my eyes burned. I sat in my shower and whimpered like an injured puppy, praying my daughter couldn’t hear me over the water running.
Something I knew God sent me into, felt like it was falling apart right before my eyes and it hurt! I prayed and prayed and still felt no peace. I didn’t understand why God would allow me to be hurt this way, and I wanted Him to make it stop! I fought back tears that came from the most lonely, desolate chambers of my heart and I was ashamed of them. Every tear made me feel unworthy of the life and ministry God has so graciously led me to lead.
But who am I? Unworthy! My tears, my breakdown and subsequent prayer of great abandon just reminded me that I’m human! It reminded me that God reigns supreme, above my need to know everything and my desire to feel some level of control.
I had nothing left but to strain out “God I need you to fix this, I can’t fix this, I need you to show me what to do because I don’t know! I don’t know anything and this hurts!!!”
I felt a desperation and anguish that beckoned God’s presence. I needed Him and He came, He gave me His peace. He reminded me that He’s in control and I’m in the passenger seat. I’m grateful for the breakdown that put me right where I needed to be – at the feet of Jesus.